Alcohol & Stigma – Part Two: When Stigma Becomes Personal

By now you've probably realised that stigma isn't just something that affects heavy drinkers. It can just as significantly influence those who choose not to drink alcohol, and lead to often faulty assumptions being made. In most cases, it is not helpful and can be downright harmful.

The challenge is that stigma often doesn't arrive as outright discrimination. More often, it appears as assumptions, jokes, questions or well-meaning comments.

“Come on… just one won't hurt.”

“You're no fun anymore.”

“Are you pregnant?”

“You don't have a drinking problem—you only drink at parties.”

Most people making these comments aren't trying to be hurtful. They may simply be repeating the messages they've grown up with. But even well-intentioned assumptions can make people feel judged, misunderstood or pressured to explain themselves.

So, what can you do when you're on the receiving end of unbased generalisations?

Remember that assumptions aren't facts

One of the biggest problems with stereotypes is that they replace curiosity with certainty.

Imagine a young man from the Middle East enjoying a lemon squash at the pub after work. Some people may assume he's abstaining for religious reasons when, in reality, he's training for a marathon and wants to perform at his best.

Or consider a woman in her late twenties who usually enjoys a glass of wine at social events but chooses apple juice one evening. Before long, people are whispering about whether she's pregnant. The reality? She's taking antibiotics for a painful urinary tract infection and simply doesn't want to mix alcohol with her medication and doesn’t really want to discuss her health situation.

Neither person owes anyone an explanation. Yet assumptions are made anyway.

The truth is we rarely know what's happening in someone else's life. When we replace assumptions with curiosity—or simply respect another person's choices—we create space for people to be themselves without feeling judged.

You don't have to justify your decisions

One of the most empowering things you can remember is that your relationship with alcohol is exactly that—yours.

Whether you're taking a break, drinking less, living alcohol-free or simply don't feel like having a drink tonight, you don't need a socially acceptable excuse. Sometimes you'll feel comfortable explaining your reasons. Other times you may simply smile and say, “No thanks.” Both responses are perfectly valid.

The less we feel obligated to defend our choices, the less power stigma has over us.

Separate yourself from the stereotype

People sometimes confuse behaviour with identity, internalising stereotypes as if they hold truth. But the truth doesn’t have to be that choosing not to drink makes you boring.  Just as having a reliance on alcohol doesn't automatically make you an alcoholic and experiencing alcohol dependence doesn't define your worth as a person.

Likewise, deciding to reduce your alcohol intake doesn't mean you've somehow failed and should have something to be secretive or ashamed about.

Your relationship with alcohol is just one part of your life. It doesn't determine your character, your values or your ability to contribute to the people around you.

Find the people who support your choices

Not every environment makes healthy choices easy. Some workplaces revolve around Friday afternoon drinks. Some sporting clubs celebrate with alcohol after every game. Some friendship groups struggle to imagine socialising without it.

If you regularly feel pressured, it may help to seek out people and places where your choices are respected rather than questioned. That might mean finding friends who enjoy catching up over coffee, choosing venues with good alcohol-free options, or connecting with communities where people understand that social connection isn't dependent on what's in your glass.

Importantly, feeling accepted shouldn't depend on whether you drink alcohol.

Understand it’s almost never about you

Sometimes the people making judgemental comments are carrying struggles of their own. That doesn't excuse hurtful behaviour, but it can help you understand the emotions and even perceived judgements our choices may evoke in others.  This will help you respond with perspective rather than immediately taking those comments to heart.

For example, a friend who is used to you being their “on par” drinking buddy who gives them a reason to keep topping their own glass up, may become panicked at the idea that they could now be the “heaviest drinker” of the group, or that you may also expect them to change their drinking patterns.

If someone you are close to has an unhelpful response, you could gently reassure them that you are not changing, you’re just changing your drinking choices; that you won’t expect them to change.  If they persist, you could ask them directly how they perceive your change in drinking choices impacts them. This will give them pause to reflect and they will most likely back away from the topic.

Choose compassion—both for yourself and others

Regardless of whether you understand the reason for the judgements of others, you will change the energy of the conversation simply by adopting a compassionate approach. Reassuring others or coming from a place of genuine curiosity can soften the tone and persistence of those who question our drinking decisions.

Compassion is also important when we look in the mirror. Many people are far harsher on themselves than anyone else ever could be. If you've been struggling with alcohol, remind yourself that your past doesn't define your future.

If you've chosen not to drink, remember that you don't need anyone else's approval to make decisions that support your health and wellbeing.

Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a close friend.

Creating better conversations

Every time we resist making assumptions, we help reduce stigma.

Instead of asking, “Why aren't you drinking?” perhaps ask, “How have you been?”

Instead of deciding we know someone's story, we can stay curious.

Instead of defining people by alcohol, we can get to know the person sitting in front of us.

After all, most people aren't looking to be judged. They're looking to feel accepted, understood and connected.

So, lead the way – be the one to keep conversations curious, open and accepting.

In Part Three, we'll explore how changing social attitudes—and the growing NOLO movement—are helping reshape the way Australians think about alcohol, inclusion and belonging.